My One Word...2011

Wow, has it really been a month since I blogged? We're not done with Adam and Eve just yet but I wanted blog about something I've been doing every New Year for the past few years. No, I don't believe in New Year's resolutions. But I do believe in changing and growing. So rather than make some resolutions that I will surely abandon before the month's end, I like to do something I learned from the pastor of Port City Community Church in Wilmington, NC, Mike Ashcraft. I like to put my focus on...just...one...word.

In 2008, my word was contentment. I feel I learned a lot that year about not comparing myself, my life, my marriage, my everything to others. And I began to understand the truth of Philipians 4:12-13 - I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength. Did you know that last verse had to do with being content? I didn't before 2007 and in no way have I arrived or anything, but I am more content than I was.

In 2009, my word was self-discipline. Do I even need to explain what a challenging year that was? I purposely put myself to the test several times in an attempt to develop self-discipline. I made some progress, I did. But the jury is still out on how much.

In 2010, my word was finish. I get great satisfaction from finishing things. The problem is, I am much better at starting than I am finishing. I did a lot better with my word once I started my new job. I get to start and finish lots of projects there but it isn't always easy. There were a lot of spiritual applications to finishing but if you want to read more, you can see what I wrote last year here.

So, what about 2011? I didn't know until a couple of nights ago what my word would be. I begged the Lord to give me something...something easy. I said, "What about rest or...fun." But I felt like the Lord wanted to teach me something more. I'm pretty good at resting and having fun. There wasn't as much work needed there. For some reason the word "fearless" kept coming to mind. I have been really challenged at my job to push beyond my comfort zone. I have a real fear of failure and I have experienced it quite a few times since starting back to work, a humbling thing to say the least. It hasn't been very "fun" to fail. But I do have a supervisor, Eve, who really inspires me by how fearless she is. "Oh, I've failed so many times I'm not afraid of it anymore," she told me one day with a laugh and a shrug. That one simple statement left me in awe. You see, I think of her as a wildly successful, smart, and talented person. Her ability to fail, learn, and move forward has made me long to do the same. I have always sensed that if I would push past my fear it would be worth it. But I am not fearless. I am afraid. And at times it has stolen my joy. JOY! Now that's a word I'd like to focus on!

And then I had a thought. Joy is often what is waiting on the other side of fear. Sports are a great example of this. My husband is a football coach and I see it all the time. A big game against a formidable team. Wide eyed players in the huddle and my husband pacing the sideline. And then...victory! The joy is evident all around you. Players lifting a teammate to their shoulders, parents in the stands high-fiveing and hugging, and students rushing the field. Fear turned into joy. But you have to be brave enough to step on the field and line up.

I was talking to my friend, Whitney, about this today and she gave me a great example. She went skiing over the holidays, I think maybe for the first time. She described how she kept heading straight down the hill without ever cutting across the slope and by the time she was halfway down, she would pick up so much speed that she spent the entire time being scared to death. Her husband kept encouraging her to cut back and forth across the slope and learn to stop correctly. She had a hard time trusting him with this advice because although she was scared going straight down, she didn't fall. She was more afraid of changing things up and falling than moving at warp speed. Finally, she decided to take his advice and once she began to make her way back and forth across the slope in a controlled manner, she started to enjoy skiing. She had to decide to trust her husband and push past the fear and the result was JOY.

So that's what I want for 2011. I plan to be FEARLESS this year. I'm going to put aside my fear of failure, loss, imaginary dangers, and see what happens. I'll let you know how it turns out and if my theory that joy is waiting on the other side is real. I know it won't be easy and at times I may fail, but I plan to take a note from my friend Eve and learn from it and keep moving forward. Let me know what your "one word" is for 2011!

Scary Mary

Since we are fully immersed in all things political, let me just say...I hate politics. I don't like all the fluff...I don't like the mudslinging...I don't like the worthless promises...I don't like the fake smiles...I just don't like it. I don't EVER like to talk about it because it just seems so pointless sometimes. It's so frustrating to have to sift through all the baloney to figure out who would be the least horrible...though sift you must. But please, I beg you, don't let it come down to the advertising and emails you've been exposed to.

You also need to know that if you send me emails with political ads, statistics, little bits and pieces of info, and especially quotes taken out of context...I delete them. I don't read them. So often when I have wasted precious time reading them and thought, "Did they really say that? I don't remember it that way?" I research only to find something taken grossly out of context. So think for yourselves, people. Do the research for yourselves. Even though it often seems futile, look at the whole picture...and then try not to lose all hope. And above all, be wary of anything that may be taken out of context. Because they may just be using crafty editing and slick words to turn Mary Poppins into...SCARY MARY.

Fear - Part 2

The last time my husband went out of town I had one of my battles with fear. I can't really put my finger on it but I had some weird dreams that last night before he came home and I woke up feeling...weird. I couldn't even remember what I dreamed but I just had that sense of foreboding. For some unknown reason, I started to be afraid that my husband was never coming home. I almost felt sick. I had such a hard time shaking that feeling. It was like other very realistic dreams I've had. Have you ever dreamt your husband cheated or that you had a big fight, and then woken up mad at him? Have you ever been snappy in the morning because, how dare he and he's like, "What did I do?" and you're like, "I dreamed that I saw you having dinner with your old girlfriend," and he's like, "What? You're mad at me because of something I did in a dream?" Anyway, it was kind of like that only I couldn't remember the dream and I was not mad, I was afraid. It would have been better if I could have remembered the dream because then I could just remind myself it wasn't real. But instead I was just left with this bad feeling.

I used to be the kind of person who would worry myself to death by thinking through every possible horrible scenario ahead of time. I used the excuse that this way, I'd be prepared for whatever happened. Then nothing would happen and I'd think about all that time I wasted. I remember one time specifically trying to do 2 Corinthians 10:5 which says,

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

I was trying to take captive these worrisome thoughts but I just kept thinking that it was better to "be prepared". Then the Lord spoke to my heart words that were as loud as any time I have ever had the Lord speak to me...My grace is sufficient for your unpreparedness. BAM! It smacked me right in the face. Just two short chapters later in 2 Corinthians 12: 9 is another verse.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

I'd heard that verse a thousand times and would try to meditate on it in times of trouble but for the first time the Lord spoke it into my heart in a very personal way. My grace is sufficient for your unpreparedness...my grace is sufficient for your failures as a parent...my grace is sufficient for your unemployment...my grace is sufficient for your sickness...and on and on.

I think one of my favorite passages in William P. Young's The Shack articulates this struggle with fear and the reason for it really well. In this particular passage, the main character, Mack, is having a conversation with Jesus about how people spend too much time in their minds in the future, mostly fear of the future. Jesus says, "You try and play God, imagining the evil that you fear becoming reality, and then you try and make plans and contingencies to avoid what you fear." Boy could I relate to that. And the reason? "Because you don't believe...To the degree that those fears have a place in your life, you neither believe I am good nor know deep in your heart that I love you. You sing about it; you talk about it, but you don't know it."

You know, I'm not afraid of my husband physically hurting me. I'm not afraid that he'll run off with another woman tomorrow. I'm not afraid he'll gamble away our paycheck each month. Why? Because I know him. Now he's not perfect and we're certainly not immune to these things but I think you get my point. I'm not afraid because I know him better than I know anybody. It's easy to trust him in these things each day because of my personal relationship with him, the time I've spent with him. And so I got to thinking...maybe this is my problem. Maybe I have fear because I don't know God. Not the way I want to know Him. Not as well as I know Jeff. I know God loves me but maybe I don't really know how much He loves me. Knowledge may not equal depth...but in some sense I think it does equal trust. And I want to trust God completely, without fear. Now don't get me wrong, I'm still going to set the alarm, check the kids before going to bed, and pray. But I'm going to try to remember that God is present in the reality of today, not my imaginations of tomorrow. And that His grace is sufficient, period.